The Private Bathroom Party
by ResurreXtion
Summary: [Complete] The bathroom party moves yet again, to the... bedroom. Yaoi-hints (1x2), but then again... it has only been 'dirty-minds' eavesdropping.
1. The Private Bathroom Party

The Private Bathroom Party  
  
It's not what some perverts think this is, though this story sort of stems off that idea. The "action" *wink, wink* does take place in the bathroom, and it is with only two people *wink, wink*, but it is anything about but romance or... pleasure. And well, here I go again blabbering. Onward noble steed.  
  
Disclaimer: As much as I would like to own Trowa (who isn't even in this fic) or any of the other boys (ooh Zechs and Treize...) I really can't have them. It's kinda funny that you would need oodles of money to get your hands on the G-boys (teehee).  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Simply put, Wufei hated parties. Parties meant talking to insubordinate, wearisome, annoying people. Talking to insubordinate, wearisome, annoying people meant being bored. Being bored meant doing crazy things as a result of boredom. And so on and so on. It all led to the fact that parties made Wufei do crazy things, which is not good, nope, not at all. And the one thing worse than doing crazy things was...  
  
"MAXWELL!!"  
  
... the braided pilot. The fruit punch was pungent and obviously spiked with alcohol. There was only one person that would do that. Especially at a party filled with respected diplomats and what not. After all it would be so much fun to see a bunch of drunk politicians and ambassadors go to work with a hangover. Think of the headlines. Obviously, Wufei found no amusement in this. He scanned the large crowd for the braided ex-pilot turned Preventer. No where. Scowling, Wufei made his way to the loo. There was no one in the spacious marble room as Wufei noticed.  
  
Or at least no one he noticed at first. Duo jumped out of a fake potted plant behind the bathroom entrance/exit door and patted Wufei hard on the back.  
  
"MAXWELL!!" Wufei growled, touching his left eye tenderly.  
  
"Hey, Wu-man," Duo replied seemingly oblivious to the fact that Wufei was extremely angry. The wide-eye pilot looked at the furious Chinese man searching for something on the counter whilst holding his eye. "What happened to your eye, Wu-man?"  
  
"That is none of your business, Maxwell!"  
  
"What did Sally punch you or something? She did, didn't she?"  
  
"NO!!"  
  
"Oi... then whatcha looking for?"  
  
"MAXWELL!"  
  
"I'll just stand right here."  
  
~ Outside the bathroom  
  
The elderly ambassador to Canada heard some screaming coming from the men's bathroom and curiously wandered over. She jerked back slightly in surprise as she came closer to the door and heard a muffled yell that oddly sounded liked ... Maxwell. *Maxwell? Isn't that the nice young man that offered me a drink? Why, yes it is. Now why is someone yelling his name?*  
  
~Inside  
  
"Come on let me help, Wu-man," Duo begged leaning closer to the marble top around the sinks.  
  
"I do not need your help, Maxwell."  
  
"Sure you do."  
  
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!"  
  
~Outside  
  
"Oh, my..."  
  
~ Inside  
  
"Hehe, look what I found Wu-man," Duo said holding up a small clear item on the tip of his finger. "It's your contact." Wufei angrily took it from his colleague and proceeded to rinse of the lense with the cleanser conveniently located on top of the counter. "I think you put on too much on, Wu-man."  
  
~Outside  
  
*I wonder if they're... Nyah...* The ambassador leaned closer to clear up the voices. The prime minister of some country or something came up beside the ambassador.  
  
"Is someone in there?" he asked.  
  
"Shh, I think..."  
  
"If you put on too much, your thing will be all slippery, Wu-man. It will slide right in and out." The ambassador gasped again, this time the prime minister joined her in surprise.  
  
~Inside  
  
"I can do this by myself, Maxwell. I'm not a idiotic child."  
  
"See! We have that it common!"  
  
"Shut up, Maxwell." Wufei proceeded to put his contact back in.  
  
"Let me help you put it in Wuffie."  
  
"No! This is mine, Maxwell. Get your hands off." He glared at the American. "Turn around, your face is annoying me."  
  
"But I don't want to turn around."  
  
~Outside  
  
The ambassador leaned closer to the door. The prime minister looked shell- shocked.  
  
"TURN AROUND, MAXWELL."  
  
"You're no fun, Wuffie. Why do I have to turn around? I always have to be the one to turn around."  
  
~ Inside  
  
Wufei just rolled his eyes and started to put his contact back in.  
  
"You're doing it wrong Wu-man! It's gonna poke..."  
  
~ Outside  
  
"MAXWELL!" The ambassador paled when she heard the yell. It was proceeded by another yell, which the ambassador recognized as Duo's voice. The prime minister stiffened.  
  
"See, you poked..."  
  
"MAXWELL!"  
  
"Oh, fine, do it yourself if you like. But you put too much of that stuff on your thing that it will slide right back out. Then we're gonna have to do it all over again."  
  
~Inside  
  
"What do you mean by we?" Wufei just shook his head. He felt his eye started to dry up so he started looking for his eye drop.  
  
"Whatcha doing now Wu-man? Your contact..."  
  
"Dried up."  
  
"How could it dry up already? You put so much of that on it!"  
  
~Outside  
  
"There is no way something that wet can dry up in an equally wet environment."  
  
"MAXWELL!"  
  
~Inside  
  
"I told you to let me do it."  
  
"No."  
  
"I'm doing it." There was a brief pause before Duo pounced Wufei.  
  
"MAXWELL. GET OFF!" He pushed Duo off and found the eye drop at about the same time. Duo yelped loudly as he fell into the potted plant he jumped out of as Wufei grabbed the tiny bottle. He unscrewed the top quickly and proceeded to squeeze it before Duo said anything.  
  
~Outside  
  
The ambassador and prime minister were joined by the Vice Foreign Minister, none other then Relena just as Duo opened his mouth.  
  
"That's a tricky one. You have to squeeze real hard."  
  
"Oh my god, Duo!?" Relena gasped.  
  
"Maxwell..." came out Wufei's voice.  
  
"WUFEI???? Who would've thought..."  
  
"See, squeeze right there, really, really, hard," Duo suggested. "You can get more out of it."  
  
~Inside  
  
"Kutabare, Maxwell!" Wufei grabbed the bottle from Duo and let the soothing liquid into his eye. Except it was far from soothing. And Wufei needed a scapegoat for the cause of his pain. "MAXWELL!"  
  
~Outside  
  
"Wow..." Relena said quietly.  
  
"GET OUT, NOW!" Wufei yelled.  
  
~Inside  
  
Duo looked hurt and subserviently turned to leave. "You are so not fun, Wufei." Duo went to the door and started to pull at the handle.  
  
"I said get out Maxwell."  
  
"It won't budge. It's doesn't want to move, Wu-man."  
  
~Outside  
  
All three gasped.  
  
"Whoa, way to go," Relena cheered.  
  
~Inside  
  
"Jiggle it a bit. It will move."  
  
"It won't. You can try if you want, but it's stuck in real tight. It really hurts to pull back."  
  
"Baka, it is locked."  
  
"Hehe. Whoops."  
  
~Outside  
  
Everyone backed up as the conversation inside the bathroom was starting to freak them out. Duo and Wufei's voices were muffled by the door.  
  
~Inside  
  
"Man! Now I'm all sweaty for a stupid little thing." He opened the door a bit. "It shouldn't have taken that long. Now Hilde is gonna be all suspicious and angry that I didn't hurry up."  
  
"LEAVE!"  
  
"Sheesh, I thought you were having fun." Duo opened the door and saw the surprised faces of Relena, the ambassador and the prime minister. "Hiho!" He practically skipped away from the bathroom looking all sweaty.  
  
"Who would've thought," Relena whispered.  
  
OWARI  
  
So, there was something absolutely random, not so well written, but otherwise complete humourous fic fer ya'll. R/R plz and as always flames are welcomed. 


	2. Cut and Wash

Private Bathroom Party Part Two: Cut and Wash, the party moves to the Kitchen  
  
Duo came back into the party looking for Hilde. Instead he spotted just about everyone but her. He went to Dorothy and Quatre in hopes that they could solve his problem. "Hey guys," he said coming over. The couple looked at him warily.  
  
"Hello...Duo," Quatre greeted looking at the braided pilot a little dazed from too much punch. Dorothy seemed a bit angry that Duo broke into their conversation, but he was oblivious.  
  
"Have you seen Hilde?"  
  
"She's in the kitchen making some more salad," Dorothy informed with her arrogance at its zenith point. "We ran out." Duo backed away slowly afraid that any sudden moments would cause Dorothy to jump at him and rip his head off.  
  
He wandered for a while searching for the kitchen opening random doors and meeting random people doing random things and some... not so random. Finally he found the kitchen at the end of some corridor. Hilde was trying to rip open a package of baby lettuce. There was absolutely no sign of a workable salad. Some bowls were filled with a strange green mass covered in orange and white stuff, presumably what was dressing. Duo chuckled. "Gee, babe, didn't think you could screw up a salad, too." Hilde wrinkled her nose and threw an empty lettuce bag at him. Since it was light though, it fell long before it came near him. "Need help?"  
  
"I would rather be kidnaped by a bunch of talking yellow-purple banana monkeys (yeah I know what you're thinking... what was I thinking, I have no idea but it's fun to say out loud.) then have you help me." kidnaping  
  
"That can be arranged. But then you would want to get away from the little bugs so then I would have save you which would mean in the end I would have helped you." Hilde picked up a bowl of the icky green stuff and threw it at him. His agility saved him from a sticky demise. The kitchen door though had seen many better days. "You're aim sucks."  
  
"You moved." She went back to her work on the salads by chopping a beet to death.  
  
"Don't take out your anger on the poor beet." Hilde raised the knife up dangerously.  
  
"Right, I should take it out on the person I'm angry at."  
  
~  
  
Relena straightened her clothes and pulled Heero off the bed. "Come on lazy, people will be wondering where we are," she remarked.  
  
"Right..." he said emotionlessly. He pulled his shirt back on and wrapped his arm around Relena's waist. "Let's go."  
  
"Right." They walked out of the room and started to walk back to the main dining room where the party was located when a scream diverted their attention."What the..." Shouting commenced.  
  
"Come on you big baby!" a female voice yelled. "You let Wufei do this to you, why not me?!"  
  
"That sound's like Hilde," Relena commented,"chasing Duo."  
  
"Why would she be chasing Duo?" Heero asked stupidly. "... he did something idiotic again?"  
  
"Let's just say it's something that will give old ambassadors nightmares and it is the most unexpected thing for Duo and Wufei to do."  
  
"There are a lot of things that Duo and Wufei are unexpected to do and being friends is one of them... but that look on your face is probably a cue for me to be quiet."  
  
"Bingo." Relena pressed her ear against the wall to find Hilde's location.  
  
"HOLD STILL!" Hilde shouted.  
  
"NO!" Duo yelped.  
  
"Come on I promise it won't hurt that much!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
~  
  
"Hey you deserve this," Hilde said her voice lowering. Duo looked at her and pouted.  
  
"I didn't mean to say all those mean things... I'm sorry." He gave her the big puppy dog eyes that worked each time he did something stupid.  
  
"Fine." She went back to chopping the beet.  
  
"Now will you let me help you."  
  
"No."  
  
"Come on, let me help."  
  
"NO! I CAN DO THIS MYSELF!" Duo moved around her towards the knife.  
  
~ Outside  
  
Relena pulled Heero closer to the kitchen door. "They're in here." Heero rolled his eyes.  
  
"I can tell," he replied. They fell back surprised as a cry of excruciating pain echoed through the corridor.  
  
"What in the world?"  
  
~Inside  
  
Duo was cuddling his profusely bleeding, throbbing pink thumb. "I told you I could do it myself," Hilde hissed. She pulled out a first aid kit from some cabinet in the kitchen and set to work on the bleeding thumb. She turned on the faucet and waited for the water to warm a bit. "Here, you have to wash it so that the blood will clear up.  
  
~Outside  
  
"No! Don't poke it anymore, it will bleed even more. Just clean up the blood on the outside, not in the crack."  
  
"What is she talking about?" Relena wondered out loud. "I hope she didn't mean..."  
  
"Please don't say it," Heero replied.  
  
"Okay, get it closer you big baby."  
  
~Inside  
  
"I don't need your help, Hilde," Duo retorted. "I can do this myself."  
  
"That's what I said," Hilde said snidely. "No copying. Now put it closer." She grabbed his hand and placed it under the running water.  
  
~Outside  
  
Shrieks were heard. It sent chills down the spines of the eavesdropper.  
  
~Inside  
  
Hilde and Duo were blowing their hands to get the burning sensation out. The water had become hot due to the extended time it was on. "Well," Hilde said brightly, "at least we know that is clean." She pointed at the reddened thumb. She got the first aid kit in hand and faced Duo.  
  
~Outside  
  
"Now, you got to learn to do it correctly, otherwise you'll get a very bad disease. So you got to get some protection."  
  
Heero looked ready to faint. The image of Wufei and Duo played in his head. Nightmares are imminent.  
  
Relena nearly squealed in delight. "I thought they were promiscuous, but it seems they've never done it before," she commented. Heero stared at her in a frightened manner.  
  
~Inside  
  
"See you take this out of the wrapper and put it right on top of that and pull it around," Hilde said wrapping the band-aid around Duo's thumb. "Wow, we really made a mess."  
  
~Outside  
  
"Aww, that's so sweet," Relena said. Heero's eyes were wide as saucers.  
  
"Let's... um leave them be..." he said hastily before he grabbed Relena's wrists and dragged her back to the party.  
  
~Inside  
  
"Well, let's clean up this mess and bring out some salads!" Duo suggested.  
  
"Good idea."  
  
~Down the Hallway towards the party  
  
"Wasn't Hilde suppose to make some salads?" Relena asked.  
  
"..." *Olive oil has a new rival.*  
  
The end... or is it? 


	3. Duo's Salad Run

Private Bathroom Party Part Three: Duo's Salad Run a.k.a. There's More Than One Thing to do in a Bedroom  
  
To the request of an anonymous reviewer and the constant bugging and dear reminder of my dearest of all dear friends of mine, Restrict, I finally set some time to write the next private party chapter with Duo and Heero, despite my dissatisfaction with the reiterative relationship that exudates from their sweaty pores... in other words I finished another chapter. And onegai, forgive me for the slow beginning. ^_^ Arigatou Gozamasu. Let the eavesdropping continue!  
  
~  
  
Hilde and Duo managed to get out of the kitchen without any more accidents. Accidents involving body parts, anyway. Duo managed to balance two salad bowls in his hands while keeping Hilde away from his braid. Or rather, his braid from her scissors. "I didn't mean to!" he screamed running down the hallway back to the party.  
  
He ran pass two marble statues, nearly tripping on the pedestals. Next, he passed a large fish tank that showed the hallway on the other side, with bedrooms, and an opened door, with Wufei, with Sally, and a bed which they were laying on... one on top of the other and a tiny little package, Sally on top, with a... whip? Duo backtracked a second and nearly laughed until Hilde slid beside him, snipping her scissors dangerously close to his head.  
  
Duo and the salads were on the run again. He headed towards the grand ballroom, where he was sure someone would save him from losing his most important body part (hair counts right?). No one noticed him or Hilde as they ran in. Too much fruit punch can do that sometimes. Especially fruit punch that Duo has access to.  
  
Relena and Heero were talking (at least Relena was), sitting on a couch, looking like a completely innocent and adorable couple of teens... boring. Let's go back to Hilde and Duo, who are still running through the crowd of politicians and ambassadors.  
  
Relena pouted. "They're going to ruin the party, Heero," she whined. Heero groaned and murmured something about the party being doomed from the beginning or was it something about blowing Relena's voice box out, oh well, same difference. He stood up and tried to decide the best way to stop Duo from doing anything more ridiculously embarrassing to the reputation of Gundam pilots everywhere... guess there really isn't anything to stop that, but he could beat Duo up. That would be fun. Lots of fun. It would be very amusing and would be a good thing.  
  
But it will also be bloody and with the looks of the outfits that the very prominent guests wore, blood will mean high dry cleaning bills for him to pay. Which is not a good thing.  
  
Heero decided that simply cornering the sugar-injected pilot and not allowing him any room for escape. And that's what he did. Except he forgot about Hilde. "Watch OUT!" Hilde screeched before crashing in Heero, who in turn plummeted into the salads that Duo was holding.  
  
Standing up carefully, Heero turned to face Hilde. She looked at him look apologetically until she gave him a quick once over. A giggle escaped her lips turning into full-out drop-to-floor laughter. Heero was a walking salad monster with dressing rolling down his tux. "Oi, Heero...ha... maybe... heehee... you should...heh... clean... hahahahahaha..." Hilde managed to squeeze out between her laughs. Heero gave her a futile glare before turning to his room (the one he was in with... er... Relena... earlier) to change.  
  
Heero marched down the hallway, which was all too familiar to the eyes following him. He passed the large fish tank and the statues and the opened bedroom door... and quickly sped past to his room slamming the door shut behind him.  
  
He walked over to the built-in closet to get new clothes but to his surprise the closet door slowly opened on it own. When the large black object unfolded itself in the dimly lit room a scream echoed down the long corridor. "Eeeeekkkk!" Duo flew out of the closet into Heero's arms. When the girly scream dies down, Heero immediately gives his trademark glare, and drops Duo to the floor.  
  
~Meanwhile:  
  
"I can't believe he ran off like that!" Relena remarked angrily to her silent companion. The blonde passed the large fish tank in the hallway, while Hilde sulked behind her. *Where did Duo disappear to... I miss him already...*  
  
"Eeeeekkkk!" The scream alarmed Relena who jumped into Hilde's arms. The sudden weight on the petite brunette made them both crash to the floor, only tangling them further as they crawled to the source of the scream. They reached the bedroom door, where Relena and Heero had been in moments earlier.... yeah, Relena blushed furiously. Hilde of course was oblivious as she pressed her ear to the wall only to hear:  
  
"What a tight squeeze that was. If I had anymore clothes on I probably would have suffocated or dehydrated from sweating so much."  
  
*DUO!?!?!?!*  
  
~Back inside the bedroom  
  
The glaring continued as Heero pushed Duo away only to accidentally push him back into the closet, which in a random moment of come-to-life- edness... um... closed itself on Duo. "Hey, Heero... this thing isn't moving."  
  
"Just turn the..." There was a loud thunk followed by a thump and another thump, which was followed by a bunch of little thumps... from Duo's side of the door. "That's not good."  
  
"help..."  
  
~Outside  
  
"What was that?" Relena asked pressing herself against the wall next to Hilde.  
  
"I don't know, but loud thumps and things not moving is not good," Hilde replied looking more than a little annoyed.  
  
~ Inside  
  
"It won't budge!"  
  
With a little more jiggling and wiggling, the doorknob fell off and the closet door finally swung open. Duo came out.  
  
So did the revoltingly ugly item that was hooked onto his braid. Heero's eyes widened when he saw the object.  
  
~Outside  
  
Hilde pushed her entire body to the wall, as if it would help her hear better.  
  
"Cover that thing up!" came Heero's distinct voice.  
  
"What?" replied Duo's clueless voice. "Eek! It's hideous! Don't touch it!"  
  
Relena looked like she was about to faint.  
  
~Inside  
  
"I have to!" Heero reached for the object. Duo dodged instinctually.  
  
"No. It's my hideous thing!" Heero blinked.  
  
"Have it your way." Duo took the thing off and threw it back into the closet. He noticed the plastic wrapper to some box thing and grabbed it. He ripped at the wrapping.  
  
"Hey, I can't get the wrapper of this thing off!"  
  
"Put that down. It's not for you."  
  
"Ooh, saving it for yourself, eh?" Duo got the wrapper off and proceeded to open up the box. It was a box of chocolates. "Haha, I got it open!" Duo picked one up.  
  
"This one's nice and round."  
  
"Don't touch those!" Heero ran over to stop Duo, but instead stubbed his foot on something...  
  
~Outside  
  
"Ahhh..."  
  
"Um they're yummy. Look at that caramelly goo oozing out"  
  
"Put that down!"  
  
"What you were saving those for someone else? Like... Relena?" Relena and Hilde gasped.  
  
"Oh, my God, Duo what are you doing?" Hilde mumbled. Relena stood straight up, followed by Hilde.  
  
"Let's get 'em," Relena said.  
  
~Inside  
  
Duo closed the box back up and jumped onto Heero's bed. He threw the box onto the nightstand before lying back on the pillow. Heero glared at the other man but proceeded to change his shirt.  
  
Duo on the other hand, was absorbed by the pillow. "Hmm, what fluffy pillow this is... Hey Heero feel it!."  
  
"I don't want to feel it."  
  
"Don't be... scared." That was the last straw for Heero.  
  
"Get out!"  
  
"Aww, but we're were bonding."  
  
"Go!" Duo pouted as he walked to the door.  
  
"Fine." He opened the door just as Hilde and Relena were about to charge in.  
  
Actually they did charge in, and tackled the unsuspecting American to the floor.  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Oops."  
  
Owari... unless I come up with something else.  
  
Thank you to all my reviewers!!!!  
  
'Specially Wufei aka Em for being my first... reviewer a' course, and not only mint Maxwell and Completely-Evil-Butterfly (and Jen) for reviewing the two previous chappies but to everyone else that found my first real Gundam Wing fic, in a long time, to be funny.  
  
Thankies and I am out. 


End file.
